I can’t. We’ll need to check your citizenship status to see whether your hair is Samoan. And we’ll need to confirm that you’re fully eligible by providing a clear photo of you with your birth certificate of your parents and the appropriate government ID. But if you do, I can get you one, yes, please, at no cost!
If you have a Samoan tattoo, it has to be visible. It cannot be covered up. You will have it on your skin for at least two years after having it.
Is that like a tattoo on my forehead or on my neck?
No, sorry. No, it’s definitely not like a tattoo on the forehead. That’s an English expression—it means “shrill”. If you know more, just tell me! I’m sorry you’ve had it, though.
Do I need to get rid of it?
No, really, no. Not yet. I wouldn’t want you to look like someone whose mother got a little overzealous while giving birth to their first child. Even if you’ve had it for more than two years, it might not be too difficult to get rid of. I have a big collection of vintage Samoan tattoo art that can come in handy. In a pinch, I can replace it with more modern work.
Do I have to get my son or daughter tattooed?
No, I wouldn’t want you looking like someone with a little too much tattoo practice. Just tell me how it was made and I’ll do what I can. But yes, you can have another tattoo! (Just make sure those are on your lower chest, not your upper abdomen.)
What about that whole “letting in stray kids” thing?
This has never been an issue. The Samoan nation, as long as they haven’t been wiped out, will always be there. The Samoan government has no way of policing itself. We are a fairly lenient people, but we can be strict if needed. When my sons are old enough, they can be allowed out of the house only on a case-by-case basis. If they get caught with a knife, or with a gun or drugs, they can be charged with “dishonoring the family”. They have to take care of their own family first before they come out. They can do that by themselves, but they must also be on good
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